[clarke has heard that more than once before and while she should probably be focusing on other things, there isn't a day that goes by where she she doesn't feel empty in a way like there is part of her that's missing. she hates that feeling and it's only part of why has been stubbornly looking into it despite what other people have been telling her]
is that what you would do if our positions were reversed?
i wouldn't wish this on anyone so hopefully it isn't something you ever have to experience.
i can tell you that it sucks though between people feeling sorry for me or just treating me like i am different person all because i don't remember. [people might not say it but she can tell from how they act around her. it's frustrating being defined by her memories when regardless of that, she is the same person she's always been. it's no wonder she is still so determined to get her memories back with how she's been feeling through this]
i don't know how to describe it but it feels like there's a part of me that's missing and i can't shake the feeling that i'm not remembering something really important.
I'm more than familiar with feeling like a part of me is missing. It's not exactly a foreign concept to me.
[ He spent two years grieving over her. He misses Octavia everyday. It sucks but that feeling of emptiness that drags him down sometimes? He's used to it. ]
you mean because of octavia? [the question is kind of rhetorical because really who else would be referring to? she isn't surprised though that he's familiar with the concept even if her situation is a bit different]
Yeah. [ It's not like he isn't referring to Octavia, but he isn't going to correct her that it isn't just about his sister. ] She's my sister. I'll always hate being apart from her.
[it doesn't even occur to clarke that he could be referring to anyone else much less herself if only because of how things are between them there since clearly he had no problems being apart from her here. ironically it's a feeling she could relate to being apart from bellamy if he remembers her confession about how she called him everyday and how much she missed him but she doesn't bring that up though]
yeah. i figured as much. it's kind of like that with my memories even if i don't know what i'm not remembering.
i know you think i shouldn't waste my efforts but if i give up then that would just be letting this place win.
[ He gave up trying to tell her to give up on this a while ago. Ultimately it's up to her how she spends her time here. He just hopes she doesn't forget about the partner and sex quota deadlines during her search for missing memories. ]
You do what you want, Clarke. You know you don't need my approval to do anything.
[clarke didn't contact him to get his approval on it, if anything she was a little disheartened that he immediately didn't think it was worth the effort. she had thought it was something they would be on the same page about but didn't understand why most people she talked to just accepted it as fact because if this did this happen to him or any of her other friends, she would still do whatever it took to help them get their memories back too.
it didn't help that with how differently people were treating her and that made her suspect even more so that there was something important she was missing. she subconsciously knows that her deadline is coming up and that she has to meet her quota but over the last few weeks she has gotten to the point here where she feels like she probably deserves whatever punishment they give her for not complying. she had already lost everything and this place just seemed to be taking something else from her which seemed to be how her luck seemed to go these days]
i didn't message you to ask for your approval. i was just curious what you thought since i think i may have found a way to get my memories back.
i found a loophole that'll help me get them back through talking to some of the people employed here.
i need to look more into it but it's more than what i had to go on before. i know you've told me everything that i need to know but anyways if it's as unimportant as you said, i will find out on my own soon enough. [totally not getting into specifics because just in case her friends decide to stop her or something]
[ He just told her that it's not that he thinks her memories are unimportant, so he feels a pang of annoyance when she repeats an opinion that isn't his - but he focuses on who she's been talking to. That flicker of hope he felt vanishes. ]
You're trusting the staff? The people who could have played a part in your memories being taken in the first place? The people who keep this whole operation alive by watching us?
You know how dangerous this sounds? They shot people right in front of me and Raven. You can't trust them.
[she knows that he told her that he doesn't think her memories aren't important but part of her feels he might think that anyway since he thought it was a wasted effort on her part for looking into this. his response makes her frown because he misinterpreted what she meant]
of course i don't trust them. honestly what they told me didn't help much but from what i have been looking into about getting my memory back, i was able to figure out a way around whatever they did to me.
[ Oh, he's sure she'll be letting him know if she remembers. One huge element of her lost memories involves physical intimacy with him, after all. He'd be surprised if she found out about that and didn't talk to him. ]
Alright. [ He trusts her. ] Just be careful.
[ And try not to hate me if it all comes back to you. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Maybe she has hope but he doesn't, at least not when it comes to this. ]
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is that what you would do if our positions were reversed?
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[ Which hopefully won't ever happen. ]
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i can tell you that it sucks though between people feeling sorry for me or just treating me like i am different person all because i don't remember. [people might not say it but she can tell from how they act around her. it's frustrating being defined by her memories when regardless of that, she is the same person she's always been. it's no wonder she is still so determined to get her memories back with how she's been feeling through this]
i don't know how to describe it but it feels like there's a part of me that's missing and i can't shake the feeling that i'm not remembering something really important.
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I'm more than familiar with feeling like a part of me is missing. It's not exactly a foreign concept to me.
[ He spent two years grieving over her. He misses Octavia everyday. It sucks but that feeling of emptiness that drags him down sometimes? He's used to it. ]
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yeah. i figured as much. it's kind of like that with my memories even if i don't know what i'm not remembering.
i know you think i shouldn't waste my efforts but if i give up then that would just be letting this place win.
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You do what you want, Clarke. You know you don't need my approval to do anything.
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it didn't help that with how differently people were treating her and that made her suspect even more so that there was something important she was missing. she subconsciously knows that her deadline is coming up and that she has to meet her quota but over the last few weeks she has gotten to the point here where she feels like she probably deserves whatever punishment they give her for not complying. she had already lost everything and this place just seemed to be taking something else from her which seemed to be how her luck seemed to go these days]
i didn't message you to ask for your approval. i was just curious what you thought since i think i may have found a way to get my memories back.
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What? How?
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i need to look more into it but it's more than what i had to go on before. i know you've told me everything that i need to know but anyways if it's as unimportant as you said, i will find out on my own soon enough. [totally not getting into specifics because just in case her friends decide to stop her or something]
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You're trusting the staff? The people who could have played a part in your memories being taken in the first place? The people who keep this whole operation alive by watching us?
You know how dangerous this sounds? They shot people right in front of me and Raven. You can't trust them.
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of course i don't trust them. honestly what they told me didn't help much but from what i have been looking into about getting my memory back, i was able to figure out a way around whatever they did to me.
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[ He's leaning towards not wanting to know because the alternative is worrying about what trouble she's getting herself into. ]
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i'm not doing it on purpose.
anyway it doesn't matter how i am doing it, the point is that i found a way to fix whatever they did to me.
look, just trust me on this and i will let you know when when i do remember everything from before.
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Alright. [ He trusts her. ] Just be careful.
[ And try not to hate me if it all comes back to you. ]