[it's still hard for her to believe she makes it six years so with bellamy repeating that fact and telling her that he is proud of her is something that takes her by surprise. she wasn't sure what she was expecting but it wasn't anything close to bellamy telling her that. from something she would normally be telling him like she had much earlier in their conversation, she is speechless for once feeling emotionally overwhelmed by his words. it's only been been two months for her not six years so she doesn't think she is quite deserving of him being proud of her especially since she feels she can't really take all the credit for that either]
Yeah, maybe but it's not something I've lived through yet. I'd still have another 2132 days to go. [was she counting down the days until they reunite? maybe. except it doesn't quite register with her that her mental calculation of that implies as much from her words. technically bellamy was right that they should be used to being separated because it wasn't the first time they've dealt with this by choice or otherwise but this time felt so much harder for her not knowing what actually happened to her friends] It doesn't make it any easier being apart even if we should be used to it.
[maybe knowing he was alive and that the others had made it would have helped but of course it figures that it's only something she was able to find out by reuniting with them in this place instead. she lets out and a sigh and hearing his question about her radio calls, she finds herself falter with her words looking a bit flustered because of her own confession feeling a bit uncertain about admitting as much.
maybe he thought it was stupid or even crazy because she was essentially having one sided conversation with herself pretending to talk to him. there were days she even thought that if she's being honest but strangely it meant everything to her and it was almost like a lifeline for her through day that passed. it takes her a moment but she just nods at first before she answers his question] Yeah, I did. Every day. I didn't know for sure that it didn't work just like I wasn't sure whether you made it but I kept trying and holding onto hope that one day maybe it would reach you. [she pauses for a moment, taking another breathe to steady herself and keep her emotions in check]
It wasn't just to call your name, I would actually talk to you kind of like we are now in a way. [except more one sided but she feels that kind of goes unsaid. she knows that if he did receive any of the calls he wouldn't be as surprised as he was or ask what she said to him during that time either. she absently bites her lip out of nervousness before she looks back up towards him] I guess it made me feel closer to you even if we were apart and it helped keep me going so we could see each other again.
Impressive math. [ He comments on her stating the exact number of days with a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. ]
I'm sorry I never heard you. [ Obviously it isn't his fault, but that doesn't stop him from feeling bad that he was never actually there to talk to her when she needed him. She must have felt so alone talking to that radio...
He can see why she'd be embarrassed about what she's admitting to him. There's something strangely intimate about it, even without knowing what she talked about. And it's the fact that she hasn't mentioned talking to anyone else on the Ark, her other friends, just him. He could address her singling him out. He probably should...
But he chickens out, going for a joke instead. ] At least you didn't talk to a pet rock. [ Now that he'd describe as crazy. ]
Oh, that's— [clarke hadn't meant to say that aloud but she does smile back and in remembering they were still holding hands, she lets her fingers brush against his while gently squeezing his hand again] I kind of got into the habit of keeping count so that I wouldn't lose track of time. [there were times that days happened to blur together for her especially when she was running low on food and water feeling like she wasn't going to make it. between keeping count though and calling bellamy everyday it was what kept her moving forward.
it was inevitable hearing bellamy apologize to her about never hearing her radio calls and she had expected as much because she knew he'd feel bad but in looking towards him, she tries to reassure him that it was okay and that she got through this all because of him] Bellamy. It's not your fault, you don't have to apologize for that either. Maybe it didn't reach you but just talking to you helped even if I had to pretend sometimes that you were listening on the other end.
[clarke was kind of relieved though that he didn't tell her she was crazy or having those one sided conversation on the radio with him at least and she can't help but laughing though when he jokes about her talking to a pet rock instead] Yeah. I guess that would definitely be crazy, huh?
Just a little. [ He gets this pleased look on his face for bringing a laugh out of her, before realizing he's probably held her hand a little too long. It's dangerous territory - falling back into old habits with her - and he slowly pulls his hand away, not so fast that she'll think anything is wrong, but so he can push himself up from the bench to stand, his hands on his hips. ]
I probably stink. I'm gonna hit the shower... [ She might be willing to wait for him, so they can talk more after, but when Bellamy glances at his watch, he sees it's later than he expected it to be. ] Then I should probably head home, I promised Emma I'd cook tonight...
[ He recognizes he used the word 'home' which she might find weird. This isn't their home, but his apartment with Emma is almost like a comfort spot for him. It's a small slice of what having a normal life would feel like, when you ignore everything that's happening outside of it. ] 'Home' is quicker to say than 'apartment with my Dominant', you know? [ He shouldn't feel like he needs to justify his words, but he does anyway. ]
Hopefully it doesn't get to that point. [she huffs another laugh, giving slight shake of her head because she has a feeling that talking to bellamy over the radio is a habit that she would probably stick with regardless of whether he could hear her. it's not a moment later that she feels bellamy suddenly pull back, she immediately notices the lack of contact while at the same time realizing she was probably holding his hand too long so she doesn't pick up on that being something else that was wrong outside what she was confronting him about.
she watches as he stands up, looking at the time as though he has somewhere to be and his words it only confirms it. she does find it a bit weird with his comment about needing a shower, cooking dinner for emma and even heading homebut for completely different reasons. it was ironic how there were days or weeks that went by where they hardly had the chance to shower or even get a proper meal in between everything that was going on and yet here they they all these modern conveniences at their fingertips] It's okay— I get it. It's just weird, you know— with how normal all this sounds.
Normal? What's that? [ Such a dad joke, but he can't help himself. ]
The values of this city shouldn't be the norm for us. [ He's made friends here he'd die for but he's still very much against the society they've been forced to be a part of, and he's sure Clarke is too. ] But there are moments of peaceful normality here.
[ Maybe that doesn't apply to everyone, maybe he just surrounds himself with the right people to feel that way, but it's how he feels. It's just when shit hits the fan, it really hits the fan. ]
[clarke does laugh slightly at his joke while she moves to stand up because normal is something that is such a foreign concept for them] You know what I mean— I wasn't referring to the values of the city, more like everything else outside of that.
[because if you take away that aspect of how this society operates, it seems just like a normal city where they can do normal things] Normal compared to the alternative back home. [will she be okay? she kind of doubts it because it still terrifies her knowing that outside of this place that going back she will be faced with the being on her own and the loneliness that comes along with it while she tries to survive what's left of the world for at least six years]
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Yeah, maybe but it's not something I've lived through yet. I'd still have another 2132 days to go. [was she counting down the days until they reunite? maybe. except it doesn't quite register with her that her mental calculation of that implies as much from her words. technically bellamy was right that they should be used to being separated because it wasn't the first time they've dealt with this by choice or otherwise but this time felt so much harder for her not knowing what actually happened to her friends] It doesn't make it any easier being apart even if we should be used to it.
[maybe knowing he was alive and that the others had made it would have helped but of course it figures that it's only something she was able to find out by reuniting with them in this place instead. she lets out and a sigh and hearing his question about her radio calls, she finds herself falter with her words looking a bit flustered because of her own confession feeling a bit uncertain about admitting as much.
maybe he thought it was stupid or even crazy because she was essentially having one sided conversation with herself pretending to talk to him. there were days she even thought that if she's being honest but strangely it meant everything to her and it was almost like a lifeline for her through day that passed. it takes her a moment but she just nods at first before she answers his question] Yeah, I did. Every day. I didn't know for sure that it didn't work just like I wasn't sure whether you made it but I kept trying and holding onto hope that one day maybe it would reach you. [she pauses for a moment, taking another breathe to steady herself and keep her emotions in check]
It wasn't just to call your name, I would actually talk to you kind of like we are now in a way. [except more one sided but she feels that kind of goes unsaid. she knows that if he did receive any of the calls he wouldn't be as surprised as he was or ask what she said to him during that time either. she absently bites her lip out of nervousness before she looks back up towards him] I guess it made me feel closer to you even if we were apart and it helped keep me going so we could see each other again.
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I'm sorry I never heard you. [ Obviously it isn't his fault, but that doesn't stop him from feeling bad that he was never actually there to talk to her when she needed him. She must have felt so alone talking to that radio...
He can see why she'd be embarrassed about what she's admitting to him. There's something strangely intimate about it, even without knowing what she talked about. And it's the fact that she hasn't mentioned talking to anyone else on the Ark, her other friends, just him. He could address her singling him out. He probably should...
But he chickens out, going for a joke instead. ] At least you didn't talk to a pet rock. [ Now that he'd describe as crazy. ]
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it was inevitable hearing bellamy apologize to her about never hearing her radio calls and she had expected as much because she knew he'd feel bad but in looking towards him, she tries to reassure him that it was okay and that she got through this all because of him] Bellamy. It's not your fault, you don't have to apologize for that either. Maybe it didn't reach you but just talking to you helped even if I had to pretend sometimes that you were listening on the other end.
[clarke was kind of relieved though that he didn't tell her she was crazy or having those one sided conversation on the radio with him at least and she can't help but laughing though when he jokes about her talking to a pet rock instead] Yeah. I guess that would definitely be crazy, huh?
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I probably stink. I'm gonna hit the shower... [ She might be willing to wait for him, so they can talk more after, but when Bellamy glances at his watch, he sees it's later than he expected it to be. ] Then I should probably head home, I promised Emma I'd cook tonight...
[ He recognizes he used the word 'home' which she might find weird. This isn't their home, but his apartment with Emma is almost like a comfort spot for him. It's a small slice of what having a normal life would feel like, when you ignore everything that's happening outside of it. ] 'Home' is quicker to say than 'apartment with my Dominant', you know? [ He shouldn't feel like he needs to justify his words, but he does anyway. ]
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she watches as he stands up, looking at the time as though he has somewhere to be and his words it only confirms it. she does find it a bit weird with his comment about needing a shower, cooking dinner for emma and even heading homebut for completely different reasons. it was ironic how there were days or weeks that went by where they hardly had the chance to shower or even get a proper meal in between everything that was going on and yet here they they all these modern conveniences at their fingertips] It's okay— I get it. It's just weird, you know— with how normal all this sounds.
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The values of this city shouldn't be the norm for us. [ He's made friends here he'd die for but he's still very much against the society they've been forced to be a part of, and he's sure Clarke is too. ] But there are moments of peaceful normality here.
[ Maybe that doesn't apply to everyone, maybe he just surrounds himself with the right people to feel that way, but it's how he feels. It's just when shit hits the fan, it really hits the fan. ]
Just keep your guard up and you'll be okay.
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[because if you take away that aspect of how this society operates, it seems just like a normal city where they can do normal things] Normal compared to the alternative back home. [will she be okay? she kind of doubts it because it still terrifies her knowing that outside of this place that going back she will be faced with the being on her own and the loneliness that comes along with it while she tries to survive what's left of the world for at least six years]