It's exactly like that. [ He agrees with her reset analogy. When she suggests he might owe Clarke the truth though, it just makes him feel guiltier than he already feels.
He rakes a hand through his hair with a sigh. It's not like he hasn't imagined how the conversation could play out, but every way it could go doesn't lead to a happy ending. It his mind, it only leads to more pain and misery. ]
If you were her, would you want to know? [ He knows she's not Clarke but he's curious about her perspective on this. ] Imagine you have missing memories - then out of nowhere, one of your closest friends tells you that you had an intimate relationship for months. And say you wanna recreate what you had, but your friend doesn't because... he's using his head over his heart, like you told him. Head over heart to survive.
[ That's not exactly what Clarke told him, she just said to use his head more and not just his heart to lead, but that's how he interpreted her words in space. ]
[ Her hand slips free of his, but she only goes as far as curling her fingers around the base of her own glass, gaze briefly dropping towards the contents — and maybe she uses taking a sip from it as an excuse to mull over Bellamy's question, trying to decide what she would want if it was her in the situation.
It's a tough one with seemingly no right answer in sight, and she doesn't need to say that part out loud because she knows he's been in it already, weighing how to handle this and still uncertain on how best to move forward. ]
I don't — I don't know. [ And that's the most honest answer she can give right off the bat, especially when she hasn't had as much time to think about this as Bellamy has. She sets her glass down, but keeps her hand wrapped around it. ] But is that what it's about for you here? Just surviving? Even after everything?
[ She presses her lips into a firm line, an expression of deep consideration falling over her features. ] Wouldn't keeping the truth from her be worse if she ever finds out about it somewhere down the line?
[ He knows he's thought about it a lot. Probably too much, if he's honest. If his heart ruled his head like before, he would have told her everything the first day of her return.
'I don't know' was the answer he was most afraid of hearing. Either a no or a yes could have helped influence him - not that he holds it against her for not knowing how she'd react. It's a damn confusing, complicated situation to be in. Or maybe he's just making it more complicated than it needs to be by approaching the situation rationally. ]
Maybe not all the time... [ Maybe there are moments with Emma where it feels like the closest thing to a normal life on the ground he never got to experience back home, without guns, without fighting, with a whole lot of affection from her (more than he thinks he deserves) - and it's living, not surviving. ] But sometimes it's hard to switch off survival mode.
[ He snorts a little at the last of what she says. ] Oh, I'm counting on that. But then I'm used to things blowing up in my face catastrophically. [ He manages a smile, like at least he sees the humor in his misfortune. ]
[ She doesn't let her hand stray away from her glass, casually tilting it in her fingers, and can't help but spare an idle thought of thanks for the fact that they haven't been interrupted, that she hasn't been pulled away from him for something else at the worst possible moment. One of the unspoken advantages of being the de facto boss, apparently, but also judging by the shared expression on their faces, it probably doesn't look like the right time to bug her either.
She's gotten bits and pieces of the life he had before showing up here, those stories he's chosen to share with her, and going from that to this has to be an adjustment. There are days when she feels like she should be doing something else, something more — but what can she do without any demons around to fight? Her smile is closer to sympathetic this time. ] I get it.
[ It's never not going to be complicated; the second feelings enter the equation, it always makes things more difficult, and she knows he cares about Clarke. If he didn't, he wouldn't be thinking twice, or three or five or however many times he's debated this with himself. There's more than one factor at play here, making this far from a simple decision. She chuckles a little nevertheless, when he musters up that smile. ] Oh, you too, huh? Well, speaking as a chronic screw-up, the odds of it happening every time are almost impossible.
I know you do. [ He knows her background; the story behind that gun of hers. It's why he probably he feels so comfortable talking about this with her - because their lives are far from ordinary. ]
Chronic screw-ups make the best kissers, though. [ He raises his glass to clink it against hers with a wink. ] At least we've got that going for us...
So now you know why I was living like a hermit. [ At least he used past tense there - at least he's on the mend. ] I'm just glad I've had Emma this whole time... [ But wait, how was he living like a hermit if he was with Emma? That doesn't exactly add up... Here he is, thinking he's done such a good job pushing everyone away, when he's actually closer to Emma than... well, anyone. Great job you did there, Bellamy. ] I don't know what I would have done without her... She's been incredible.
[ Incredible. That's quite the word to describe someone... ]
It's 'cause we really put in a hell of a lot of effort to make sure we don't mess that up, too. [ That smile veers closer to a smirk when he nudges their glasses together with an accompanying chime, and it's a sentiment she can drink to at least.
But her face adopts a look of notable interest when he brings up Emma, someone she doesn't know very well personally even if she's already heard about the two of them being contracted. What surprises Wynonna more, though, is how he talks about her, because it's news that they've become this close, or at least close in the way where he's describing her in very specific, very positive terms — complete with the tone his voice adopts when she becomes the subject of conversation. ]
Yeah? [ Between the two of them, and what they've both found, maybe it's something that's been going around lately. ] Guess I didn't have to worry about you too much after all.
[ Her quick-witted response makes him laugh. Maybe there's some truth to it because he never half-asses a kiss. ]
Yeah... I guess Fort Harmony was a turning point for us. [ He hates everything that went down during that time but he can't say some good didn't come out of it - it really brought them closer, even before the mess with Clarke began. ]
She makes it impossible to be miserable around her so... I've been in safe hands. [ He appreciates her worrying about him though and reaches out to touch her arm, giving it an affectionate squeeze. ]
So, what's been going on with you? [ He asks after another sip of whiskey. ] Any screw ups to rival my own?
[ She's encouraged to see that reaction from him, even if they're already turning away from a heavier subject; it prompts her to reach for the bottle again, though not for them to drown their sorrows as she might have originally suggested. Nah, this time it sounds like they have something to celebrate. ]
Was a turning point for a lot of people. [ She can definitely pinpoint it as the moment that changed things for her and Frank too, not only because she'd believed him dead in the chaos of the explosion and the mass escape that had followed, but what it had forced her to realize after the fact when he'd eventually returned.
She glances up to Bellamy's face when that hand drops to her arm, a smile springing to her mouth. ]
Nah, but not for lack of trying. [ She's amazed she hasn't racked up more in that category lately, and things on her end have been so good that now it's a matter of just waiting for that pesky shoe to drop. ] Why certain folks are willing to put up with me, I'll never know.
[ Bellamy just pulls a face at her at that. ] Shut up, you're a catch.
[ He doesn't think anyone just "puts up" with her, though maybe her sister would say that, but so would his own in a teasing way. People like to be around Wynonna - that's just common knowledge - and he sees that with how many people come to the bar, people like him who hang around for the company of the bartender more than they do for the alcohol. ]
[ The real person who accomplishes a hell of a lot will be the one who manages to help Wynonna ditch her tendency for self-deprecating humor — really, she's never been one to talk herself up at all, so why would this conversation be any different?
Still, his comment prompts a wider grin as she ducks her head slightly, and when she finally looks up again there might be a different smile there, the one she tries to hide when she's talking about the person who matters. ]
There might be someone. Shit, I don't really know what we are, and I'm never gonna be the girl who has those types of define-the-relationship talks, but — he's different. I trust him, you know? And trust goes a long way with me.
[ Define-the-relationship talks are definitely dangerous territory, especially where they are now. Sure there are risks of losing someone back home, but there are even greater ones here where someone you care deeply about could disappear back to their world and never return, like the relationship you built never happened, like you never existed to them. ]
I don't necessarily think you need to define it for it to be important. [ He has a lot of relationships like that, where they demonstrate with actions because there aren't a lot of quiet moments to talk about it. ]
No. He isn't. [ And therein lies the difficulty of this, whatever it is between them — regardless of what they have here, sooner or later they're going to have to give it up. She'd believed that moment had come sooner rather than later after the fort, but it turned out Frank's disappearance had only been temporary. Still, she's had to wake up to the loss of so many friends since she showed up here, and she's not about to kid herself that the same couldn't happen to either one of them. The real kicker is that going back means forgetting everything, this place and everyone in it, forgetting what she has.
But rather than it leading her to push her friends away, she's focused on clinging to them even harder, to making the time she has with them count before she has to leave it behind. ]
And I think you get why that's got its own special set of issues attached to it. [ Because of Emma, and what she clearly means to him. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I'm using this thread for ac so would appreciate any boomeranging <3
He rakes a hand through his hair with a sigh. It's not like he hasn't imagined how the conversation could play out, but every way it could go doesn't lead to a happy ending. It his mind, it only leads to more pain and misery. ]
If you were her, would you want to know? [ He knows she's not Clarke but he's curious about her perspective on this. ] Imagine you have missing memories - then out of nowhere, one of your closest friends tells you that you had an intimate relationship for months. And say you wanna recreate what you had, but your friend doesn't because... he's using his head over his heart, like you told him. Head over heart to survive.
[ That's not exactly what Clarke told him, she just said to use his head more and not just his heart to lead, but that's how he interpreted her words in space. ]
I could ruin an entire friendship with one truth.
i gotchu <3
It's a tough one with seemingly no right answer in sight, and she doesn't need to say that part out loud because she knows he's been in it already, weighing how to handle this and still uncertain on how best to move forward. ]
I don't — I don't know. [ And that's the most honest answer she can give right off the bat, especially when she hasn't had as much time to think about this as Bellamy has. She sets her glass down, but keeps her hand wrapped around it. ] But is that what it's about for you here? Just surviving? Even after everything?
[ She presses her lips into a firm line, an expression of deep consideration falling over her features. ] Wouldn't keeping the truth from her be worse if she ever finds out about it somewhere down the line?
thank u boo
'I don't know' was the answer he was most afraid of hearing. Either a no or a yes could have helped influence him - not that he holds it against her for not knowing how she'd react. It's a damn confusing, complicated situation to be in. Or maybe he's just making it more complicated than it needs to be by approaching the situation rationally. ]
Maybe not all the time... [ Maybe there are moments with Emma where it feels like the closest thing to a normal life on the ground he never got to experience back home, without guns, without fighting, with a whole lot of affection from her (more than he thinks he deserves) - and it's living, not surviving. ] But sometimes it's hard to switch off survival mode.
[ He snorts a little at the last of what she says. ] Oh, I'm counting on that. But then I'm used to things blowing up in my face catastrophically. [ He manages a smile, like at least he sees the humor in his misfortune. ]
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She's gotten bits and pieces of the life he had before showing up here, those stories he's chosen to share with her, and going from that to this has to be an adjustment. There are days when she feels like she should be doing something else, something more — but what can she do without any demons around to fight? Her smile is closer to sympathetic this time. ] I get it.
[ It's never not going to be complicated; the second feelings enter the equation, it always makes things more difficult, and she knows he cares about Clarke. If he didn't, he wouldn't be thinking twice, or three or five or however many times he's debated this with himself. There's more than one factor at play here, making this far from a simple decision. She chuckles a little nevertheless, when he musters up that smile. ] Oh, you too, huh? Well, speaking as a chronic screw-up, the odds of it happening every time are almost impossible.
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Chronic screw-ups make the best kissers, though. [ He raises his glass to clink it against hers with a wink. ] At least we've got that going for us...
So now you know why I was living like a hermit. [ At least he used past tense there - at least he's on the mend. ] I'm just glad I've had Emma this whole time... [ But wait, how was he living like a hermit if he was with Emma? That doesn't exactly add up... Here he is, thinking he's done such a good job pushing everyone away, when he's actually closer to Emma than... well, anyone. Great job you did there, Bellamy. ] I don't know what I would have done without her... She's been incredible.
[ Incredible. That's quite the word to describe someone... ]
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But her face adopts a look of notable interest when he brings up Emma, someone she doesn't know very well personally even if she's already heard about the two of them being contracted. What surprises Wynonna more, though, is how he talks about her, because it's news that they've become this close, or at least close in the way where he's describing her in very specific, very positive terms — complete with the tone his voice adopts when she becomes the subject of conversation. ]
Yeah? [ Between the two of them, and what they've both found, maybe it's something that's been going around lately. ] Guess I didn't have to worry about you too much after all.
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Yeah... I guess Fort Harmony was a turning point for us. [ He hates everything that went down during that time but he can't say some good didn't come out of it - it really brought them closer, even before the mess with Clarke began. ]
She makes it impossible to be miserable around her so... I've been in safe hands. [ He appreciates her worrying about him though and reaches out to touch her arm, giving it an affectionate squeeze. ]
So, what's been going on with you? [ He asks after another sip of whiskey. ] Any screw ups to rival my own?
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Was a turning point for a lot of people. [ She can definitely pinpoint it as the moment that changed things for her and Frank too, not only because she'd believed him dead in the chaos of the explosion and the mass escape that had followed, but what it had forced her to realize after the fact when he'd eventually returned.
She glances up to Bellamy's face when that hand drops to her arm, a smile springing to her mouth. ]
Nah, but not for lack of trying. [ She's amazed she hasn't racked up more in that category lately, and things on her end have been so good that now it's a matter of just waiting for that pesky shoe to drop. ] Why certain folks are willing to put up with me, I'll never know.
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[ He doesn't think anyone just "puts up" with her, though maybe her sister would say that, but so would his own in a teasing way. People like to be around Wynonna - that's just common knowledge - and he sees that with how many people come to the bar, people like him who hang around for the company of the bartender more than they do for the alcohol. ]
Name one person you think puts up with you.
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Still, his comment prompts a wider grin as she ducks her head slightly, and when she finally looks up again there might be a different smile there, the one she tries to hide when she's talking about the person who matters. ]
There might be someone. Shit, I don't really know what we are, and I'm never gonna be the girl who has those types of define-the-relationship talks, but — he's different. I trust him, you know? And trust goes a long way with me.
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I don't necessarily think you need to define it for it to be important. [ He has a lot of relationships like that, where they demonstrate with actions because there aren't a lot of quiet moments to talk about it. ]
Is he from your world?
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But rather than it leading her to push her friends away, she's focused on clinging to them even harder, to making the time she has with them count before she has to leave it behind. ]
And I think you get why that's got its own special set of issues attached to it. [ Because of Emma, and what she clearly means to him. ]