skaikrudad | ic inbox for duplicity

[clarke was a bit surprised that he opted to meet in such a public space but she'll take what she can get especially since he was agreeing to meet up with her] Okay, the gym it is.

Yeah, directions would definitely help so I don't end up at the wrong place. [she could figure it out if worse came to worse but she'd rather not delay this any more than she already has either ]

I'll come find you if you get lost. See you soon.

[ The instructions he sends her are simple to follow so she shouldn't struggle to find the gym located in the Down. While waiting for Clarke he goes back to lifting weights, filled with too much nervous energy to stay still. The gym is fairly quiet, making it easy for Clarke to spot him. ]

[it's not long after the ends and bellamy sends her directions, she immediately starts head over to find him. it was easy enough to navigate through the streets with his instructions so she doesn't get too lost like she had expected but eventually she arrives at the gym and enters the building.

she might not be here for the typical reasons that people do go to the gym but they let her through despite that. she looks around as she ventures further into the gym, noticing that it was pretty quiet and didn't seem too busy like she had thought. clarke remembers his mention of being near the weightlifting area and she makes her way there easily managing to spot him while finding herself coming to a stop just watching him while he was middle of lifting some weights. it was a sight she hadn't really witnessed before and she couldn't help but stare at him for a moment. from the few days that have already passed she still feels like she has to constantly remind that this is real. it often led to her not being able to sleep with how it seems to plague her thoughts worried she might wake up one day to find herself alone, it's pathetic really.

she tries to shift her focus to the actual reason she was here though, taking a deep breath trying to fight off how nervous she feels about this. she doesn't think he's noticed her yet since he was otherwise preoccupied or at least she hopes he didn't catch her staring at him. she waits until he's done as to not surprise him before she finally approaches closer] Hey.

[ Bellamy does feel a little like he's being watched, but that's from years of constantly being aware of his surroundings because dropping your guard meant people - his friends - dying. He figures it's either Clarke watching him or some random stranger checking out his potential as a gym buddy.

Putting the weight down, he settles his gaze on her, his throat suddenly feeling dry and it having nothing to do with physical exercise and everything to do with her presence. He spent two years in space thinking she was dead, then spent almost every waking day with her in this city, getting to know her intimately, then lost her again...

And now they're here. And it's a mess.

Bellamy reaches for his water bottle from the floor and sips at it before answering Clarke. ] Hey. [ He gestures for her to sit at the nearest bench nearby. ] What's on your mind?

[there was a lot that clarke had been trying to process since arriving and reuniting with her friends that ironically it isn't until now that she is really looking him, almost as if she's seeing him for the first time in a way. she is aware that he's two years from her future but suddenly it's even more obvious how different he looks from how she last remembers him.

it's hard not to notice how he's grown out a beard which adds to making him seem older which she would have probably teased him about if she wasn't so anxious about having this conversation. she settles down taking a seat on the bench just opposite of him and hearing his question, there were so many thoughts racing through her mind on what she wanted to tell him before she finally decides on how to start]

A lot of things actually. You know, considering we won't see each other again outside of this place for a while, we haven't really talked since I got here. [she frowns at first, her tone making her concern more than obvious. it had only been two months for her in comparison to how long it'd been for bellamy not knowing each others fates yet it seemed to take her actually contacting him for it to even happen and it worried her that something was wrong] Are you okay?

Raven and I unloaded a lot of information on you when you first got here. I figured I'd give you time to process it all.

[ It's an excuse which he hopes she'll see as a reasonable explanation for not keeping her in his sight at all times like he normally would, to protect her. ]

Do you think I'd be okay with being stuck here half a year? [ He has a feeling that's not what she's really asking him though, that her question lies deeper than that. ] I'm doing what it takes to survive here... You need to think about doing the same.

[clarke does think there is some hint of truth in his response but she has a gut feeling that there's more to than that. she didn't need time to process it all and if anything being left alone was the last thing she wanted given that was literally what her life has been like after praimfaya]

No. [she is firm with her words as she shakes her head, refusing to accept whatever excuse he expected her to believe about this. she'd tried to brush it off earlier that maybe she had been overthinking things but his words only seem to trigger reminding her of her own similar actions from a time that feels like forever ago and it heightened her concerns making her question everything that happened in the time they did reunite. hearing his response that follows her question leaves her feeling unsatisfied as well because that was not what she meant at all so her words that follow apply twofold towards most of his response] Bellamy. Please don't give me that— from the fact you're pushing me away, I can tell there's more than what you're telling me.

[there is a moment where she idly wonder if bellamy even realizes how much she missed him, thought about him every single day and tried to hold onto hope because of him. she doesn't dare voice the entirety of that or really have the courage to tell him that especially when it seems like he is avoiding her for some reason. she just does the next best thing in that she reaches out to interlace her hands with his giving a slight reassuring squeeze. it's understandable that he wouldn't be okay with being stuck here for that long because she can tell she would feel the same if their roles were reversed in her short time being here. her heart aches for him already and she wishes that she could just fix this and make it better for him but technically that wasn't what she was really asking him either despite how that was part of it]

I don't think anyone would be okay with any of this but you know that's not what I meant. [she purposely doesn't comment on his mention of doing what it takes to survive here because the whole thing with the contract and meeting her quota is something she has been trying to ignore and maybe feeling a bit self conscious about]

Edited 2019-04-10 07:46 (UTC)

[ He starts to frown when she refuses his answer, wishing she'd just accept what he's telling her. What more does she want from him? ]

I'm not— [ He starts to argue with her about distancing himself from her, when all of a sudden she takes hold of his hand and he feels some of his frustration melt away, falling into silence. She keeps him centered - Jaha once told him it was the other way round but this moment feels like proof that she can calm him when his emotions feel all over the place.

He has no idea how much Clarke missed him because the last time he saw her, she was from before Praimfaya. Obviously he doesn't know about the calls to him everyday, a revelation that could potentially change everything.

He keeps their hands connected - which is a turning point. He could have upped and left by now if he was really determined to push her away, but she's started to break through the walls he's put up, mostly around the big heart she's pointed out to him before. ]

I spent two years on the ring thinking you were dead, living with the guilt of leaving you behind... We reunited here, then I— we lost you again... Maybe I'm the one who needed a couple of days to wrap my head around you being back.

[ He eventually squeezes her hand in return. ] I'm sorry if it seems like I've been distant with you... but it's not because I don't care about you.

[clarke doesn't know for sure what his reasons were for avoiding her but over the last few days her thoughts somehow managed to spiral with how much this had been bothering her. was he feeling guilty over over leaving her? did she say or do something that hurt him? or maybe it was something else entirely from what she doesn't remember or who knows what else since she can't pinpoint what it is specifically.

it sounds like he's about to argue with her and for a moment she does think he's literally going to push her away but she is glad that he doesn't. instead he seems to elaborate about the two years he was on the ring to how he felt losing her all over again in this place and she can't help but find that more than anything his feelings seem to mirror her own while she was on the ground. she had half expected that as one of the possibilities the reason he was avoiding her but hearing it out loud, it only seems to confirm for her what she had always known that her radio calls never do get through despite how she still does it out of habit everyday. she does relax slightly when he squeezes her hand in return but hearing his apology, she just shakes her head and looks up toward as she focuses her glance on him again once again] I didn't think it was because you didn't care but you have nothing to apologize to me for. I didn't think I was going to make it either probably well before that but you remember that conversation we had back in Becca's lab?

[she gives him a half smile at that as she remembers their last real conversation they had, the same one she had meant for as a goodbye at the same time] It turns out you were right all along. I mean, considering you had more hope that the Nightblood solution would work and that nothing would happen to me more than I did.

I think that was one of the first things I thought of when I realized I wasn't going to die after all while wondering if all of you did make it too. [it probably speaks volumes in itself because if anything his words from that definitely had an impact of her too if he happens to pick up on that.] I'm sorry that I wasn't able to make it back in time, to be there with the rest of you but Bellamy— you have to know I don't blame you for not waiting. You did what you had to do and I couldn't be more proud of you for it.

[her expression softens slightly as she just tightens her grip on his hands again as a gesture of reassurance enforcing that she meant word she just said] You know better than anyone else that I wouldn't have wanted you to wait for me and besides, if you did then none of you would have survived and then we really wouldn't be able to see each other again. The point is that I don't want you to feel guilty about any of it. [her words and even the emotional tone of her voice are not unlike what she tried to tell him over the radio and now that she is able to tell him in person, she hopes she is able to at least get through to him about that]

I don't know how much I told you before about surviving Praimfaya before if at all. [she figures that between being here before that is probably why they weren't questioning her as much on how she survived either not fully aware that it was another reason entirely they wouldn't have heard the full story. she pauses for a moment taking in another deep breathe to prepare herself for what she is about to admit to next] It had been two months for me though.

Two months since I last saw you before coming here and that probably sounds like it's barely anything compared to your two years we haven't seen each other but I really missed you. [technically not something she has said to him before but it was the truth either way and she wanted him to know that much at least]

I remember you telling me to use my head more.

[ Sadly that advice might have backfired on Clarke because if he hadn't listened to her - if he was following his heart more now - he would have been honest with her the moment she returned. ]

I know you don't blame me for leaving you behind. [ They've had this conversation before - not that she'll remember. She told him he did the right thing and the logical part of him knows he did. His heart, however, feels like he let her down. Like he abandoned her.

When it comes to him and Clarke, they probably express how much they miss each other with hugs more than words. Hearing her say she's missed him comes as a pleasant surprise to him, but it makes him think of their future and what he knows from Murphy. ]

If you've missed me after two months, you're not gonna like the fact that it takes six years for us to see each other again back home.

[ He smiles at her sadly. It's easier for him in space because he believes she's dead, which forces him to move on, and he has friends around him to lean on. For Clarke, it's a waiting game and she doesn't have anyone (he doesn't know about Madi's existence). ]

So we end up being separated longer than we're actually with each other. [ He points out the humor in that, as dark as the joke is. That's Bellamy for you though, making jokes to ease the tension, to try and make Clarke smile. ]

I missed you everyday on the ring, and I missed you everyday you were gone from here. [ A quiet admission. ]

It sounds to me like you did. [clarke doesn't even question it with how much she believes in him. she remembers he'd told her in the same conversation that he's got her for that but she's glad that he took her advice to heart. though there is a part of her that feels like he doesn't really need her anymore which may be attributed to how much time has passed for him in comparison but she tries not to dwell too much on that either or what her feeling about that even mean.

hearing bellamy tell her he knows she doesn't blame him is one thing but she knows it's still something he feels guilty about despite his words] I probably must have told you that before too, huh? [it was a guess but she knows that it's something she would have talked with him about even if she doesn't remember it] I think it's still worth repeating though even if to lessen the guilt you feel. [she doesn't want that for him and if she could somehow alleviate that for him she would absolutely do it.

in between all the information that they unloaded on her when she arrived, she does remember that raven had briefly mentioned something about murphy being six years into their future so the moment bellamy brings up the time they will actually be apart back home, it only makes her dread going back even more. whether it was a few days, a couple months or as much as six years, she had always missed bellamy when they were apart so the thought that it would be that long makes her chest tighten. it was overwhelming and unbearable to think about all at the same time and she hated it] Six years? Considering I felt like I wouldn't survive past another month, that's kind of hard to imagine right now.

[it was a miracle she even survived two months on her own given how praimfaya destroyed pretty much everything in its path. it would have been so much easier if she had known for certain her friends were still alive but the truth of the matter was that each day was a struggle for her and six years was a longer than the time they had estimated too. it isn't until bellamy jokes that their time apart was longer than they've been together that she can't help but laugh slightly and as usual it's enough to make her easily smile towards him] You're right though, I don't like the sound of it being that long before we see each other again.

[it was kind of sad if you think about it but with how serious the conversation had been, she knows that he was trying to ease the tension they both felt. hearing this admission that follows with how much he missed her on the ring and even the time she was gone here was something that similarly surprised her in a way because they have never really expressed it in words before to each other and unknown to him it was something she could have said almost word for word herself too if she allowed herself to be more honest. it would have been something she'd have said to him earlier among the many thing she wanted to talk with him about but she refrained mostly out of worry that he'd feel even more guilty for leaving her behind. she doesn't want him knowing because of that but ironically she finds herself resolve breaking on that and his admission just moments ago gives her the courage to admit something of her own but before that she tries to reassure him that she isn't going anywhere] You don't have to miss me anymore since I'm right here.

It was the same for me though— you know, sometimes I'd probably just spend hours just looking up at the sky wondering how you were doing up there. Not that I knew for sure you made it but I kept holding onto hope that I'd see you again. [she huffs a laugh because what she is about to say next probably makes her sound crazy] It's part of the reason that I tried to call you over the radio every single day as crazy as that probably sounds given the stupid thing didn't even work.

You survived Praimfaya and kept yourself alive for six years. [ He doesn't really know how. Murphy never went into much detail about it, but Bellamy trusts his word. He wouldn't make up being up Clarke being alive to him, not knowing how important she was Bellamy. ] You should be proud of yourself for that... I'm proud of you. [ How could he not be? She achieved something that sounded impossible on paper. And she sacrificed herself for him and his friends, which will always make him feel indebted to her. ]

We should be used to it by now. [ Being separated, that is. And yet, it feels like it gets harder every time. The last time Clarke disappeared was the hardest it's ever been for him, mostly because he had no idea whether she was okay or not. He knows Clarke would have said goodbye first - would have said "may we meet again" if she'd been given the choice.

She reminds him where she is right now, close enough not to be missed and she's right, except something about this whole situation makes him miss her more. Having her in front of him right now but without their memories together... It hurts. It hurts knowing that if she had remembered, he would held her and never let her go as soon as she came back, running into his arms. That if she had remembered, he would have asked her to meet at his apartment and they'd be kissing in between talking with each other. That if she had remembered, she would have been at his apartment anyway because they would have spent the last few days in bed together, celebrating their reunion, talking about the feelings they should have told each other before she was sent away. ]

You called me everyday over a radio you know would never reach me? [ He has to repeat what she says, a little stunned by that confession. Maybe it shouldn't be a big deal - maybe it isn't to her - but it feels like it is, to him anyway. ] You mean you'd just... call my name? Or talk to me?

[ What would she have even said to him that was more than 'Bellamy, can you read me?' he wonders. ]

Hey, I'm okay so don't freak out.

But something happened in the hotel.

[ Enter Panicked Dad mode. ]

You really shouldn't start a message with "don't freak out".

What's happened?

[it's still hard for her to believe she makes it six years so with bellamy repeating that fact and telling her that he is proud of her is something that takes her by surprise. she wasn't sure what she was expecting but it wasn't anything close to bellamy telling her that. from something she would normally be telling him like she had much earlier in their conversation, she is speechless for once feeling emotionally overwhelmed by his words. it's only been been two months for her not six years so she doesn't think she is quite deserving of him being proud of her especially since she feels she can't really take all the credit for that either]

Yeah, maybe but it's not something I've lived through yet. I'd still have another 2132 days to go. [was she counting down the days until they reunite? maybe. except it doesn't quite register with her that her mental calculation of that implies as much from her words. technically bellamy was right that they should be used to being separated because it wasn't the first time they've dealt with this by choice or otherwise but this time felt so much harder for her not knowing what actually happened to her friends] It doesn't make it any easier being apart even if we should be used to it.

[maybe knowing he was alive and that the others had made it would have helped but of course it figures that it's only something she was able to find out by reuniting with them in this place instead. she lets out and a sigh and hearing his question about her radio calls, she finds herself falter with her words looking a bit flustered because of her own confession feeling a bit uncertain about admitting as much.

maybe he thought it was stupid or even crazy because she was essentially having one sided conversation with herself pretending to talk to him. there were days she even thought that if she's being honest but strangely it meant everything to her and it was almost like a lifeline for her through day that passed. it takes her a moment but she just nods at first before she answers his question] Yeah, I did. Every day. I didn't know for sure that it didn't work just like I wasn't sure whether you made it but I kept trying and holding onto hope that one day maybe it would reach you. [she pauses for a moment, taking another breathe to steady herself and keep her emotions in check]

It wasn't just to call your name, I would actually talk to you kind of like we are now in a way. [except more one sided but she feels that kind of goes unsaid. she knows that if he did receive any of the calls he wouldn't be as surprised as he was or ask what she said to him during that time either. she absently bites her lip out of nervousness before she looks back up towards him] I guess it made me feel closer to you even if we were apart and it helped keep me going so we could see each other again.

[Have a picture image as an answer. Something definitely missing that should be there:]

Edited 2019-04-17 03:50 (UTC)

Cute picture.

[ He doesn't actually notice straight away, he thinks maybe she's just sending him a random, attractive selfie (not that he's familiar with the word 'selfie'). Then - ]

They removed your tattoo?

Thanks, and they made me a Dom at the hotel.

You're kidding.

[ He doesn't know whether to feel relieved, confused or jealous. ]

What did you do? [ Oh god, he's thinking the worst. ] Please tell me you didn't give them something in return.

You should know me better than that.

I didn’t do anything. I won a VIP suite. When I woke up, my mark was gone.

[ He does know her better than most people, but he also knows how much she hated being a Sub. ]

Just like that?

[ Odd... Still, it's good news. ]

You finally caught a break... I can't say I'm not relieved right now. I was worrying about you.

You don't have to worry about me. I survive. It's what I do.

I know. I'm happy for you, Raven. I'm glad you've got control now.

Can't believe I'm the only sub left. [ Out of their group, that is. ]

Sorry. It's not like I had any choice in either decision.

And I know you're with Emma. But if you need anything or if anything happens, just letting you know this is an open invitation.

Impressive math. [ He comments on her stating the exact number of days with a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. ]

I'm sorry I never heard you. [ Obviously it isn't his fault, but that doesn't stop him from feeling bad that he was never actually there to talk to her when she needed him. She must have felt so alone talking to that radio...

He can see why she'd be embarrassed about what she's admitting to him. There's something strangely intimate about it, even without knowing what she talked about. And it's the fact that she hasn't mentioned talking to anyone else on the Ark, her other friends, just him. He could address her singling him out. He probably should...

But he chickens out, going for a joke instead. ] At least you didn't talk to a pet rock. [ Now that he'd describe as crazy. ]

ic inbox for duplicity

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