[clarke does think there is some hint of truth in his response but she has a gut feeling that there's more to than that. she didn't need time to process it all and if anything being left alone was the last thing she wanted given that was literally what her life has been like after praimfaya]
No. [she is firm with her words as she shakes her head, refusing to accept whatever excuse he expected her to believe about this. she'd tried to brush it off earlier that maybe she had been overthinking things but his words only seem to trigger reminding her of her own similar actions from a time that feels like forever ago and it heightened her concerns making her question everything that happened in the time they did reunite. hearing his response that follows her question leaves her feeling unsatisfied as well because that was not what she meant at all so her words that follow apply twofold towards most of his response] Bellamy. Please don't give me that— from the fact you're pushing me away, I can tell there's more than what you're telling me.
[there is a moment where she idly wonder if bellamy even realizes how much she missed him, thought about him every single day and tried to hold onto hope because of him. she doesn't dare voice the entirety of that or really have the courage to tell him that especially when it seems like he is avoiding her for some reason. she just does the next best thing in that she reaches out to interlace her hands with his giving a slight reassuring squeeze. it's understandable that he wouldn't be okay with being stuck here for that long because she can tell she would feel the same if their roles were reversed in her short time being here. her heart aches for him already and she wishes that she could just fix this and make it better for him but technically that wasn't what she was really asking him either despite how that was part of it]
I don't think anyone would be okay with any of this but you know that's not what I meant. [she purposely doesn't comment on his mention of doing what it takes to survive here because the whole thing with the contract and meeting her quota is something she has been trying to ignore and maybe feeling a bit self conscious about]
[ He starts to frown when she refuses his answer, wishing she'd just accept what he's telling her. What more does she want from him? ]
I'm not— [ He starts to argue with her about distancing himself from her, when all of a sudden she takes hold of his hand and he feels some of his frustration melt away, falling into silence. She keeps him centered - Jaha once told him it was the other way round but this moment feels like proof that she can calm him when his emotions feel all over the place.
He has no idea how much Clarke missed him because the last time he saw her, she was from before Praimfaya. Obviously he doesn't know about the calls to him everyday, a revelation that could potentially change everything.
He keeps their hands connected - which is a turning point. He could have upped and left by now if he was really determined to push her away, but she's started to break through the walls he's put up, mostly around the big heart she's pointed out to him before. ]
I spent two years on the ring thinking you were dead, living with the guilt of leaving you behind... We reunited here, then I— we lost you again... Maybe I'm the one who needed a couple of days to wrap my head around you being back.
[ He eventually squeezes her hand in return. ] I'm sorry if it seems like I've been distant with you... but it's not because I don't care about you.
[clarke doesn't know for sure what his reasons were for avoiding her but over the last few days her thoughts somehow managed to spiral with how much this had been bothering her. was he feeling guilty over over leaving her? did she say or do something that hurt him? or maybe it was something else entirely from what she doesn't remember or who knows what else since she can't pinpoint what it is specifically.
it sounds like he's about to argue with her and for a moment she does think he's literally going to push her away but she is glad that he doesn't. instead he seems to elaborate about the two years he was on the ring to how he felt losing her all over again in this place and she can't help but find that more than anything his feelings seem to mirror her own while she was on the ground. she had half expected that as one of the possibilities the reason he was avoiding her but hearing it out loud, it only seems to confirm for her what she had always known that her radio calls never do get through despite how she still does it out of habit everyday. she does relax slightly when he squeezes her hand in return but hearing his apology, she just shakes her head and looks up toward as she focuses her glance on him again once again] I didn't think it was because you didn't care but you have nothing to apologize to me for. I didn't think I was going to make it either probably well before that but you remember that conversation we had back in Becca's lab?
[she gives him a half smile at that as she remembers their last real conversation they had, the same one she had meant for as a goodbye at the same time] It turns out you were right all along. I mean, considering you had more hope that the Nightblood solution would work and that nothing would happen to me more than I did.
I think that was one of the first things I thought of when I realized I wasn't going to die after all while wondering if all of you did make it too. [it probably speaks volumes in itself because if anything his words from that definitely had an impact of her too if he happens to pick up on that.] I'm sorry that I wasn't able to make it back in time, to be there with the rest of you but Bellamy— you have to know I don't blame you for not waiting. You did what you had to do and I couldn't be more proud of you for it.
[her expression softens slightly as she just tightens her grip on his hands again as a gesture of reassurance enforcing that she meant word she just said] You know better than anyone else that I wouldn't have wanted you to wait for me and besides, if you did then none of you would have survived and then we really wouldn't be able to see each other again. The point is that I don't want you to feel guilty about any of it. [her words and even the emotional tone of her voice are not unlike what she tried to tell him over the radio and now that she is able to tell him in person, she hopes she is able to at least get through to him about that]
I don't know how much I told you before about surviving Praimfaya before if at all. [she figures that between being here before that is probably why they weren't questioning her as much on how she survived either not fully aware that it was another reason entirely they wouldn't have heard the full story. she pauses for a moment taking in another deep breathe to prepare herself for what she is about to admit to next] It had been two months for me though.
Two months since I last saw you before coming here and that probably sounds like it's barely anything compared to your two years we haven't seen each other but I really missed you. [technically not something she has said to him before but it was the truth either way and she wanted him to know that much at least]
[ Sadly that advice might have backfired on Clarke because if he hadn't listened to her - if he was following his heart more now - he would have been honest with her the moment she returned. ]
I know you don't blame me for leaving you behind. [ They've had this conversation before - not that she'll remember. She told him he did the right thing and the logical part of him knows he did. His heart, however, feels like he let her down. Like he abandoned her.
When it comes to him and Clarke, they probably express how much they miss each other with hugs more than words. Hearing her say she's missed him comes as a pleasant surprise to him, but it makes him think of their future and what he knows from Murphy. ]
If you've missed me after two months, you're not gonna like the fact that it takes six years for us to see each other again back home.
[ He smiles at her sadly. It's easier for him in space because he believes she's dead, which forces him to move on, and he has friends around him to lean on. For Clarke, it's a waiting game and she doesn't have anyone (he doesn't know about Madi's existence). ]
So we end up being separated longer than we're actually with each other. [ He points out the humor in that, as dark as the joke is. That's Bellamy for you though, making jokes to ease the tension, to try and make Clarke smile. ]
I missed you everyday on the ring, and I missed you everyday you were gone from here. [ A quiet admission. ]
It sounds to me like you did. [clarke doesn't even question it with how much she believes in him. she remembers he'd told her in the same conversation that he's got her for that but she's glad that he took her advice to heart. though there is a part of her that feels like he doesn't really need her anymore which may be attributed to how much time has passed for him in comparison but she tries not to dwell too much on that either or what her feeling about that even mean.
hearing bellamy tell her he knows she doesn't blame him is one thing but she knows it's still something he feels guilty about despite his words] I probably must have told you that before too, huh? [it was a guess but she knows that it's something she would have talked with him about even if she doesn't remember it] I think it's still worth repeating though even if to lessen the guilt you feel. [she doesn't want that for him and if she could somehow alleviate that for him she would absolutely do it.
in between all the information that they unloaded on her when she arrived, she does remember that raven had briefly mentioned something about murphy being six years into their future so the moment bellamy brings up the time they will actually be apart back home, it only makes her dread going back even more. whether it was a few days, a couple months or as much as six years, she had always missed bellamy when they were apart so the thought that it would be that long makes her chest tighten. it was overwhelming and unbearable to think about all at the same time and she hated it] Six years? Considering I felt like I wouldn't survive past another month, that's kind of hard to imagine right now.
[it was a miracle she even survived two months on her own given how praimfaya destroyed pretty much everything in its path. it would have been so much easier if she had known for certain her friends were still alive but the truth of the matter was that each day was a struggle for her and six years was a longer than the time they had estimated too. it isn't until bellamy jokes that their time apart was longer than they've been together that she can't help but laugh slightly and as usual it's enough to make her easily smile towards him] You're right though, I don't like the sound of it being that long before we see each other again.
[it was kind of sad if you think about it but with how serious the conversation had been, she knows that he was trying to ease the tension they both felt. hearing this admission that follows with how much he missed her on the ring and even the time she was gone here was something that similarly surprised her in a way because they have never really expressed it in words before to each other and unknown to him it was something she could have said almost word for word herself too if she allowed herself to be more honest. it would have been something she'd have said to him earlier among the many thing she wanted to talk with him about but she refrained mostly out of worry that he'd feel even more guilty for leaving her behind. she doesn't want him knowing because of that but ironically she finds herself resolve breaking on that and his admission just moments ago gives her the courage to admit something of her own but before that she tries to reassure him that she isn't going anywhere] You don't have to miss me anymore since I'm right here.
It was the same for me though— you know, sometimes I'd probably just spend hours just looking up at the sky wondering how you were doing up there. Not that I knew for sure you made it but I kept holding onto hope that I'd see you again. [she huffs a laugh because what she is about to say next probably makes her sound crazy] It's part of the reason that I tried to call you over the radio every single day as crazy as that probably sounds given the stupid thing didn't even work.
You survived Praimfaya and kept yourself alive for six years. [ He doesn't really know how. Murphy never went into much detail about it, but Bellamy trusts his word. He wouldn't make up being up Clarke being alive to him, not knowing how important she was Bellamy. ] You should be proud of yourself for that... I'm proud of you. [ How could he not be? She achieved something that sounded impossible on paper. And she sacrificed herself for him and his friends, which will always make him feel indebted to her. ]
We should be used to it by now. [ Being separated, that is. And yet, it feels like it gets harder every time. The last time Clarke disappeared was the hardest it's ever been for him, mostly because he had no idea whether she was okay or not. He knows Clarke would have said goodbye first - would have said "may we meet again" if she'd been given the choice.
She reminds him where she is right now, close enough not to be missed and she's right, except something about this whole situation makes him miss her more. Having her in front of him right now but without their memories together... It hurts. It hurts knowing that if she had remembered, he would held her and never let her go as soon as she came back, running into his arms. That if she had remembered, he would have asked her to meet at his apartment and they'd be kissing in between talking with each other. That if she had remembered, she would have been at his apartment anyway because they would have spent the last few days in bed together, celebrating their reunion, talking about the feelings they should have told each other before she was sent away. ]
You called me everyday over a radio you know would never reach me? [ He has to repeat what she says, a little stunned by that confession. Maybe it shouldn't be a big deal - maybe it isn't to her - but it feels like it is, to him anyway. ] You mean you'd just... call my name? Or talk to me?
[ What would she have even said to him that was more than 'Bellamy, can you read me?' he wonders. ]
[it's still hard for her to believe she makes it six years so with bellamy repeating that fact and telling her that he is proud of her is something that takes her by surprise. she wasn't sure what she was expecting but it wasn't anything close to bellamy telling her that. from something she would normally be telling him like she had much earlier in their conversation, she is speechless for once feeling emotionally overwhelmed by his words. it's only been been two months for her not six years so she doesn't think she is quite deserving of him being proud of her especially since she feels she can't really take all the credit for that either]
Yeah, maybe but it's not something I've lived through yet. I'd still have another 2132 days to go. [was she counting down the days until they reunite? maybe. except it doesn't quite register with her that her mental calculation of that implies as much from her words. technically bellamy was right that they should be used to being separated because it wasn't the first time they've dealt with this by choice or otherwise but this time felt so much harder for her not knowing what actually happened to her friends] It doesn't make it any easier being apart even if we should be used to it.
[maybe knowing he was alive and that the others had made it would have helped but of course it figures that it's only something she was able to find out by reuniting with them in this place instead. she lets out and a sigh and hearing his question about her radio calls, she finds herself falter with her words looking a bit flustered because of her own confession feeling a bit uncertain about admitting as much.
maybe he thought it was stupid or even crazy because she was essentially having one sided conversation with herself pretending to talk to him. there were days she even thought that if she's being honest but strangely it meant everything to her and it was almost like a lifeline for her through day that passed. it takes her a moment but she just nods at first before she answers his question] Yeah, I did. Every day. I didn't know for sure that it didn't work just like I wasn't sure whether you made it but I kept trying and holding onto hope that one day maybe it would reach you. [she pauses for a moment, taking another breathe to steady herself and keep her emotions in check]
It wasn't just to call your name, I would actually talk to you kind of like we are now in a way. [except more one sided but she feels that kind of goes unsaid. she knows that if he did receive any of the calls he wouldn't be as surprised as he was or ask what she said to him during that time either. she absently bites her lip out of nervousness before she looks back up towards him] I guess it made me feel closer to you even if we were apart and it helped keep me going so we could see each other again.
Impressive math. [ He comments on her stating the exact number of days with a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. ]
I'm sorry I never heard you. [ Obviously it isn't his fault, but that doesn't stop him from feeling bad that he was never actually there to talk to her when she needed him. She must have felt so alone talking to that radio...
He can see why she'd be embarrassed about what she's admitting to him. There's something strangely intimate about it, even without knowing what she talked about. And it's the fact that she hasn't mentioned talking to anyone else on the Ark, her other friends, just him. He could address her singling him out. He probably should...
But he chickens out, going for a joke instead. ] At least you didn't talk to a pet rock. [ Now that he'd describe as crazy. ]
Oh, that's— [clarke hadn't meant to say that aloud but she does smile back and in remembering they were still holding hands, she lets her fingers brush against his while gently squeezing his hand again] I kind of got into the habit of keeping count so that I wouldn't lose track of time. [there were times that days happened to blur together for her especially when she was running low on food and water feeling like she wasn't going to make it. between keeping count though and calling bellamy everyday it was what kept her moving forward.
it was inevitable hearing bellamy apologize to her about never hearing her radio calls and she had expected as much because she knew he'd feel bad but in looking towards him, she tries to reassure him that it was okay and that she got through this all because of him] Bellamy. It's not your fault, you don't have to apologize for that either. Maybe it didn't reach you but just talking to you helped even if I had to pretend sometimes that you were listening on the other end.
[clarke was kind of relieved though that he didn't tell her she was crazy or having those one sided conversation on the radio with him at least and she can't help but laughing though when he jokes about her talking to a pet rock instead] Yeah. I guess that would definitely be crazy, huh?
Just a little. [ He gets this pleased look on his face for bringing a laugh out of her, before realizing he's probably held her hand a little too long. It's dangerous territory - falling back into old habits with her - and he slowly pulls his hand away, not so fast that she'll think anything is wrong, but so he can push himself up from the bench to stand, his hands on his hips. ]
I probably stink. I'm gonna hit the shower... [ She might be willing to wait for him, so they can talk more after, but when Bellamy glances at his watch, he sees it's later than he expected it to be. ] Then I should probably head home, I promised Emma I'd cook tonight...
[ He recognizes he used the word 'home' which she might find weird. This isn't their home, but his apartment with Emma is almost like a comfort spot for him. It's a small slice of what having a normal life would feel like, when you ignore everything that's happening outside of it. ] 'Home' is quicker to say than 'apartment with my Dominant', you know? [ He shouldn't feel like he needs to justify his words, but he does anyway. ]
Hopefully it doesn't get to that point. [she huffs another laugh, giving slight shake of her head because she has a feeling that talking to bellamy over the radio is a habit that she would probably stick with regardless of whether he could hear her. it's not a moment later that she feels bellamy suddenly pull back, she immediately notices the lack of contact while at the same time realizing she was probably holding his hand too long so she doesn't pick up on that being something else that was wrong outside what she was confronting him about.
she watches as he stands up, looking at the time as though he has somewhere to be and his words it only confirms it. she does find it a bit weird with his comment about needing a shower, cooking dinner for emma and even heading homebut for completely different reasons. it was ironic how there were days or weeks that went by where they hardly had the chance to shower or even get a proper meal in between everything that was going on and yet here they they all these modern conveniences at their fingertips] It's okay— I get it. It's just weird, you know— with how normal all this sounds.
Normal? What's that? [ Such a dad joke, but he can't help himself. ]
The values of this city shouldn't be the norm for us. [ He's made friends here he'd die for but he's still very much against the society they've been forced to be a part of, and he's sure Clarke is too. ] But there are moments of peaceful normality here.
[ Maybe that doesn't apply to everyone, maybe he just surrounds himself with the right people to feel that way, but it's how he feels. It's just when shit hits the fan, it really hits the fan. ]
[clarke does laugh slightly at his joke while she moves to stand up because normal is something that is such a foreign concept for them] You know what I mean— I wasn't referring to the values of the city, more like everything else outside of that.
[because if you take away that aspect of how this society operates, it seems just like a normal city where they can do normal things] Normal compared to the alternative back home. [will she be okay? she kind of doubts it because it still terrifies her knowing that outside of this place that going back she will be faced with the being on her own and the loneliness that comes along with it while she tries to survive what's left of the world for at least six years]
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No. [she is firm with her words as she shakes her head, refusing to accept whatever excuse he expected her to believe about this. she'd tried to brush it off earlier that maybe she had been overthinking things but his words only seem to trigger reminding her of her own similar actions from a time that feels like forever ago and it heightened her concerns making her question everything that happened in the time they did reunite. hearing his response that follows her question leaves her feeling unsatisfied as well because that was not what she meant at all so her words that follow apply twofold towards most of his response] Bellamy. Please don't give me that— from the fact you're pushing me away, I can tell there's more than what you're telling me.
[there is a moment where she idly wonder if bellamy even realizes how much she missed him, thought about him every single day and tried to hold onto hope because of him. she doesn't dare voice the entirety of that or really have the courage to tell him that especially when it seems like he is avoiding her for some reason. she just does the next best thing in that she reaches out to interlace her hands with his giving a slight reassuring squeeze. it's understandable that he wouldn't be okay with being stuck here for that long because she can tell she would feel the same if their roles were reversed in her short time being here. her heart aches for him already and she wishes that she could just fix this and make it better for him but technically that wasn't what she was really asking him either despite how that was part of it]
I don't think anyone would be okay with any of this but you know that's not what I meant. [she purposely doesn't comment on his mention of doing what it takes to survive here because the whole thing with the contract and meeting her quota is something she has been trying to ignore and maybe feeling a bit self conscious about]
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I'm not— [ He starts to argue with her about distancing himself from her, when all of a sudden she takes hold of his hand and he feels some of his frustration melt away, falling into silence. She keeps him centered - Jaha once told him it was the other way round but this moment feels like proof that she can calm him when his emotions feel all over the place.
He has no idea how much Clarke missed him because the last time he saw her, she was from before Praimfaya. Obviously he doesn't know about the calls to him everyday, a revelation that could potentially change everything.
He keeps their hands connected - which is a turning point. He could have upped and left by now if he was really determined to push her away, but she's started to break through the walls he's put up, mostly around the big heart she's pointed out to him before. ]
I spent two years on the ring thinking you were dead, living with the guilt of leaving you behind... We reunited here, then I— we lost you again... Maybe I'm the one who needed a couple of days to wrap my head around you being back.
[ He eventually squeezes her hand in return. ] I'm sorry if it seems like I've been distant with you... but it's not because I don't care about you.
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it sounds like he's about to argue with her and for a moment she does think he's literally going to push her away but she is glad that he doesn't. instead he seems to elaborate about the two years he was on the ring to how he felt losing her all over again in this place and she can't help but find that more than anything his feelings seem to mirror her own while she was on the ground. she had half expected that as one of the possibilities the reason he was avoiding her but hearing it out loud, it only seems to confirm for her what she had always known that her radio calls never do get through despite how she still does it out of habit everyday. she does relax slightly when he squeezes her hand in return but hearing his apology, she just shakes her head and looks up toward as she focuses her glance on him again once again] I didn't think it was because you didn't care but you have nothing to apologize to me for. I didn't think I was going to make it either probably well before that but you remember that conversation we had back in Becca's lab?
[she gives him a half smile at that as she remembers their last real conversation they had, the same one she had meant for as a goodbye at the same time] It turns out you were right all along. I mean, considering you had more hope that the Nightblood solution would work and that nothing would happen to me more than I did.
I think that was one of the first things I thought of when I realized I wasn't going to die after all while wondering if all of you did make it too. [it probably speaks volumes in itself because if anything his words from that definitely had an impact of her too if he happens to pick up on that.] I'm sorry that I wasn't able to make it back in time, to be there with the rest of you but Bellamy— you have to know I don't blame you for not waiting. You did what you had to do and I couldn't be more proud of you for it.
[her expression softens slightly as she just tightens her grip on his hands again as a gesture of reassurance enforcing that she meant word she just said] You know better than anyone else that I wouldn't have wanted you to wait for me and besides, if you did then none of you would have survived and then we really wouldn't be able to see each other again. The point is that I don't want you to feel guilty about any of it. [her words and even the emotional tone of her voice are not unlike what she tried to tell him over the radio and now that she is able to tell him in person, she hopes she is able to at least get through to him about that]
I don't know how much I told you before about surviving Praimfaya before if at all. [she figures that between being here before that is probably why they weren't questioning her as much on how she survived either not fully aware that it was another reason entirely they wouldn't have heard the full story. she pauses for a moment taking in another deep breathe to prepare herself for what she is about to admit to next] It had been two months for me though.
Two months since I last saw you before coming here and that probably sounds like it's barely anything compared to your two years we haven't seen each other but I really missed you. [technically not something she has said to him before but it was the truth either way and she wanted him to know that much at least]
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[ Sadly that advice might have backfired on Clarke because if he hadn't listened to her - if he was following his heart more now - he would have been honest with her the moment she returned. ]
I know you don't blame me for leaving you behind. [ They've had this conversation before - not that she'll remember. She told him he did the right thing and the logical part of him knows he did. His heart, however, feels like he let her down. Like he abandoned her.
When it comes to him and Clarke, they probably express how much they miss each other with hugs more than words. Hearing her say she's missed him comes as a pleasant surprise to him, but it makes him think of their future and what he knows from Murphy. ]
If you've missed me after two months, you're not gonna like the fact that it takes six years for us to see each other again back home.
[ He smiles at her sadly. It's easier for him in space because he believes she's dead, which forces him to move on, and he has friends around him to lean on. For Clarke, it's a waiting game and she doesn't have anyone (he doesn't know about Madi's existence). ]
So we end up being separated longer than we're actually with each other. [ He points out the humor in that, as dark as the joke is. That's Bellamy for you though, making jokes to ease the tension, to try and make Clarke smile. ]
I missed you everyday on the ring, and I missed you everyday you were gone from here. [ A quiet admission. ]
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hearing bellamy tell her he knows she doesn't blame him is one thing but she knows it's still something he feels guilty about despite his words] I probably must have told you that before too, huh? [it was a guess but she knows that it's something she would have talked with him about even if she doesn't remember it] I think it's still worth repeating though even if to lessen the guilt you feel. [she doesn't want that for him and if she could somehow alleviate that for him she would absolutely do it.
in between all the information that they unloaded on her when she arrived, she does remember that raven had briefly mentioned something about murphy being six years into their future so the moment bellamy brings up the time they will actually be apart back home, it only makes her dread going back even more. whether it was a few days, a couple months or as much as six years, she had always missed bellamy when they were apart so the thought that it would be that long makes her chest tighten. it was overwhelming and unbearable to think about all at the same time and she hated it] Six years? Considering I felt like I wouldn't survive past another month, that's kind of hard to imagine right now.
[it was a miracle she even survived two months on her own given how praimfaya destroyed pretty much everything in its path. it would have been so much easier if she had known for certain her friends were still alive but the truth of the matter was that each day was a struggle for her and six years was a longer than the time they had estimated too. it isn't until bellamy jokes that their time apart was longer than they've been together that she can't help but laugh slightly and as usual it's enough to make her easily smile towards him] You're right though, I don't like the sound of it being that long before we see each other again.
[it was kind of sad if you think about it but with how serious the conversation had been, she knows that he was trying to ease the tension they both felt. hearing this admission that follows with how much he missed her on the ring and even the time she was gone here was something that similarly surprised her in a way because they have never really expressed it in words before to each other and unknown to him it was something she could have said almost word for word herself too if she allowed herself to be more honest. it would have been something she'd have said to him earlier among the many thing she wanted to talk with him about but she refrained mostly out of worry that he'd feel even more guilty for leaving her behind. she doesn't want him knowing because of that but ironically she finds herself resolve breaking on that and his admission just moments ago gives her the courage to admit something of her own but before that she tries to reassure him that she isn't going anywhere] You don't have to miss me anymore since I'm right here.
It was the same for me though— you know, sometimes I'd probably just spend hours just looking up at the sky wondering how you were doing up there. Not that I knew for sure you made it but I kept holding onto hope that I'd see you again. [she huffs a laugh because what she is about to say next probably makes her sound crazy] It's part of the reason that I tried to call you over the radio every single day as crazy as that probably sounds given the stupid thing didn't even work.
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We should be used to it by now. [ Being separated, that is. And yet, it feels like it gets harder every time. The last time Clarke disappeared was the hardest it's ever been for him, mostly because he had no idea whether she was okay or not. He knows Clarke would have said goodbye first - would have said "may we meet again" if she'd been given the choice.
She reminds him where she is right now, close enough not to be missed and she's right, except something about this whole situation makes him miss her more. Having her in front of him right now but without their memories together... It hurts. It hurts knowing that if she had remembered, he would held her and never let her go as soon as she came back, running into his arms. That if she had remembered, he would have asked her to meet at his apartment and they'd be kissing in between talking with each other. That if she had remembered, she would have been at his apartment anyway because they would have spent the last few days in bed together, celebrating their reunion, talking about the feelings they should have told each other before she was sent away. ]
You called me everyday over a radio you know would never reach me? [ He has to repeat what she says, a little stunned by that confession. Maybe it shouldn't be a big deal - maybe it isn't to her - but it feels like it is, to him anyway. ] You mean you'd just... call my name? Or talk to me?
[ What would she have even said to him that was more than 'Bellamy, can you read me?' he wonders. ]
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Yeah, maybe but it's not something I've lived through yet. I'd still have another 2132 days to go. [was she counting down the days until they reunite? maybe. except it doesn't quite register with her that her mental calculation of that implies as much from her words. technically bellamy was right that they should be used to being separated because it wasn't the first time they've dealt with this by choice or otherwise but this time felt so much harder for her not knowing what actually happened to her friends] It doesn't make it any easier being apart even if we should be used to it.
[maybe knowing he was alive and that the others had made it would have helped but of course it figures that it's only something she was able to find out by reuniting with them in this place instead. she lets out and a sigh and hearing his question about her radio calls, she finds herself falter with her words looking a bit flustered because of her own confession feeling a bit uncertain about admitting as much.
maybe he thought it was stupid or even crazy because she was essentially having one sided conversation with herself pretending to talk to him. there were days she even thought that if she's being honest but strangely it meant everything to her and it was almost like a lifeline for her through day that passed. it takes her a moment but she just nods at first before she answers his question] Yeah, I did. Every day. I didn't know for sure that it didn't work just like I wasn't sure whether you made it but I kept trying and holding onto hope that one day maybe it would reach you. [she pauses for a moment, taking another breathe to steady herself and keep her emotions in check]
It wasn't just to call your name, I would actually talk to you kind of like we are now in a way. [except more one sided but she feels that kind of goes unsaid. she knows that if he did receive any of the calls he wouldn't be as surprised as he was or ask what she said to him during that time either. she absently bites her lip out of nervousness before she looks back up towards him] I guess it made me feel closer to you even if we were apart and it helped keep me going so we could see each other again.
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I'm sorry I never heard you. [ Obviously it isn't his fault, but that doesn't stop him from feeling bad that he was never actually there to talk to her when she needed him. She must have felt so alone talking to that radio...
He can see why she'd be embarrassed about what she's admitting to him. There's something strangely intimate about it, even without knowing what she talked about. And it's the fact that she hasn't mentioned talking to anyone else on the Ark, her other friends, just him. He could address her singling him out. He probably should...
But he chickens out, going for a joke instead. ] At least you didn't talk to a pet rock. [ Now that he'd describe as crazy. ]
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it was inevitable hearing bellamy apologize to her about never hearing her radio calls and she had expected as much because she knew he'd feel bad but in looking towards him, she tries to reassure him that it was okay and that she got through this all because of him] Bellamy. It's not your fault, you don't have to apologize for that either. Maybe it didn't reach you but just talking to you helped even if I had to pretend sometimes that you were listening on the other end.
[clarke was kind of relieved though that he didn't tell her she was crazy or having those one sided conversation on the radio with him at least and she can't help but laughing though when he jokes about her talking to a pet rock instead] Yeah. I guess that would definitely be crazy, huh?
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I probably stink. I'm gonna hit the shower... [ She might be willing to wait for him, so they can talk more after, but when Bellamy glances at his watch, he sees it's later than he expected it to be. ] Then I should probably head home, I promised Emma I'd cook tonight...
[ He recognizes he used the word 'home' which she might find weird. This isn't their home, but his apartment with Emma is almost like a comfort spot for him. It's a small slice of what having a normal life would feel like, when you ignore everything that's happening outside of it. ] 'Home' is quicker to say than 'apartment with my Dominant', you know? [ He shouldn't feel like he needs to justify his words, but he does anyway. ]
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she watches as he stands up, looking at the time as though he has somewhere to be and his words it only confirms it. she does find it a bit weird with his comment about needing a shower, cooking dinner for emma and even heading homebut for completely different reasons. it was ironic how there were days or weeks that went by where they hardly had the chance to shower or even get a proper meal in between everything that was going on and yet here they they all these modern conveniences at their fingertips] It's okay— I get it. It's just weird, you know— with how normal all this sounds.
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The values of this city shouldn't be the norm for us. [ He's made friends here he'd die for but he's still very much against the society they've been forced to be a part of, and he's sure Clarke is too. ] But there are moments of peaceful normality here.
[ Maybe that doesn't apply to everyone, maybe he just surrounds himself with the right people to feel that way, but it's how he feels. It's just when shit hits the fan, it really hits the fan. ]
Just keep your guard up and you'll be okay.
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[because if you take away that aspect of how this society operates, it seems just like a normal city where they can do normal things] Normal compared to the alternative back home. [will she be okay? she kind of doubts it because it still terrifies her knowing that outside of this place that going back she will be faced with the being on her own and the loneliness that comes along with it while she tries to survive what's left of the world for at least six years]